I’ve come to the conclusion that there are things I’m just meant never to understand. Big cars, for example.
No, not “big cars” like a ’69 Super Sport Camaro. That’s a big car with style. I’m referring to big SUVs. I still remember ten years ago when the most obnoxious vehicle on the road was a Road Ranger. Seen one lately? In comparison with everything else on the highways, the Road Ranger looks like a Honda Civic.
You’re either with me or against me on this one. It’s a pretty black and white issue. You might think a big SUV is safe and secure and to heck with the gas mileage.
(Cartoon by Steve Sack.)
Or else, you think they tip easy (cause you read the auto reports) and if you’re in a small car and get hit by one, well, you’re dead meat. As George of the Jungle once said, “some kinda safe”.
Regardless of which camp you’re in, I ask you: Why would anyone drive a Hummer? I think there’s room for six small people in those things, though I’ve never see more than one person driving in them.
(Another mystery of the universe I’m meant to never understand, but I’ve come to peace with it.)
Ranting about SUVs is too easy, so let’s get to the song: A few years back, I was waiting in line for a funeral procession. At a bank across the street, I saw a woman in a Hummer trying to back her car into a parking space. Note: In her defense, she DID have two children in the car, so I know three of the six Hummer seats do actually work.
The parking experiment took her about 11 tries. She still managed to straddle three parking slots. (It could have just as well have been a man driving. Neither sex seems able to drive or park these things.)
You wait for moments like these. A song title dropped into my lap: Good God Man How Big a Car Do You Need?
There wasn’t much need to say anything besides the title, but that would have made a short song. So I went ahead and wrote lyrics. I considered making this the title song and putting it on the cover, but a spotted mule is a prettier beast.